The Dress, Part One

3 months ago, when all the wedding planning started, I thought I already had a dress.
I was wrong.

I had a lovely ivory sheath dress I purchased, well, um, an emabarrassing 8 years ago that still had never been worn. It was lovely, simple, straight, and I thought it was perfect. Well, almost. It just needed a few nips and tucks here and there, and a bra that could hold "everything" up.

When my Mom and sister first saw me in the dress in September, they were less than pleased. But after much talking and expressing of heartfelt sentiment, they agreed to help me get the dress wedding-day ready.

Just 2 weeks ago they visited for 4 days. By Sunday afternoon, Day 3, I had a new dress.

Now, this may not come as a surprise, but the journey to getting to a new dress was frought with peril. The first was finding underwear. Only, what my sister and mother had in mind was not underwear, but a bodysuit that amounted to a straightjacket.

After searching every store, we finally found what they said was "IT." My sister held up a nude-colored, bustier looking thing complete with boning, built in bra cups to add at least 2 sizes, and thigh hugging things meant to keep the cellulite in, or at least cut off all circulation to the legs.

We proceeded to the dressing room. I was in shock.

All of us crammed into the room (it was the handicapped room, so we had some space) and I undressed and started one of the more humiliating processes in my life. I had to tug, jump, and everything else you could possibly imagine to get in this thing! I actually worked up a sweat. Once it was finally on, my boobs were pushed up, my stomach was sucked in, my butt was contorted, and my thighs had serious marks from the legging things.

It turns out the humiliation wasn't over. I leaned over to find a hole in the crotch area of this crazy piece of fabric. Had I ripped it in the laborious process of getting it on? No. I thought perhaps this was an "easy access" garment...it was going underneath my wedding dress, after all. But WHO would want access to me wearing something as unflattering as this thing? Ugh. Turns out it was the pee-hole, because once you got into this thing, you couldn't possibly get out in time to go to the bathroom.

Needless to say, I did not purchase the crazy thing. This was the beginning of the series of events that led to finding the perfect dress, but not without much trial and tribulation.

A Moment

Yesterday, I read the text of our wedding ceremony for the first time. It really sank in...this is it.

Abe's dad prepared the ceremony and will be officiating. I was floored by what I read. It is just beautiful. A thoughtful blending of eastern and western influence, and just really meaningful. It feels good to know we have his blessing in such a meaningful, intimate way.

Confessions of an Almost-Bride...

I have a feeling that when this writing starts, it will pour out and never stop. I'm going to work on this blog for a long time today, in small stitches between work.

I had forgotten, maybe even taken forgranted, how great it is to have friends who leave voicemails on your phone like this:

"Misty, I'm calling to pick your brain about grantwriting for nonprofits, because I have a really cool idea and I think I've finally figured out the true vision of the greater good."

I owe this to having the opportunity to attend an amazingly progressive college all those years ago (even in the middle of a conservative area), to having friends who are truly passionate about making the world a better place, and to Verizon cellphone voicemail (important to mention since I spent so many years denouncing cellphones). Granted, who knows if her idea will work or not? Not me. But the idealism of friends is refreshing...and it reminds me--I'm in that category, too!

Here's a surprise: I'm really excited to be a bride! Not just a wife or daughter-in-law or sister-in-law---for I've been excited about that from the beginning of all this---but a BRIDE! This comes as a surprise to me, although maybe it shouldn't. It is only fair that after all the thoughts I've had in my head so many times about how anti-wedding I would be when I got married; how many times, despite my best efforts, I secretly felt bewildered and confused at old friends who wrote with talk of dresses and flowers and bridesmaids and etc., that I find that it is an effort for me to remember to talk about anything else!

There are two reasons for that. One is, planning a wedding in 3 months means that I have to eat, sleep, and breathe it in order to get all of it done. The other is that I'm so incredibly excited! I have been excited for the marriage since before it was even a possibility...and not just any marriage, but a true marriage of heart, minds, and souls. This is a person I can join all parts of myself with. That is nothing short of miraculous.

So being excited about marrying my husband-to-be is not new. Being excited to be a bride is. I find myself looking forward to the actual wedding itself...the flowers, the music, the family. Somehow things changed when I finally found a dress (see a subsequent blog for that adventure). I actually looked at myself and thought, "I look like a bride." It seems so stupid that something as simple as a dress could do that, but truthfully, I suddenly remembered how much I love my husband-to-be, how excited I am to start a life with him, AND how excited I am about the actual ceremony itself. Somehow, everything will be perfect, even in all the snaffoos and awkwardness that are sure to happen on the day itself.

Adventure

Let me tell you what's been going on.

Hiked Angel's Landing in Zion. Life changed.

Abe's visit to California. Midnight walks to the beach, sitting together in silence. Dinner, bike rides, frisbee on the beach. No sleep. Who needs it? Drives up the coast, watching the stars come out at Waddell Beach under a wooden lean-to, my head against his chest. Silence.

Trip to Belize in June. Took water taxi from Belize City to Caye Caulker. Dove off cement docks into water repeatedly---forgot what warm ocean water felt like! First night: ran through absolute downpour from restaurant back to hostel. Felt alive. Left Caye Caulker and headed for Xunantunich--Mayan ruins in the Rainforest near the Guatemala border. Hit by a car. Everything changed. Hiked the ruins anyway. Headed south to Hopkins...spent days in a hostel 50 feet from the water. Endured hurricane. Swam in warm water under full moon. Snorkeled with a nurse shark. Watched natives drum. All magic. Long bus rides criss-crossing the country sharing headphones, being quiet, and feeling love. Wow.

Trip to Portland. Biked 35 miles...Sauvie's Island trip. Stopped at roadside market to sample fruit. Jumped in river...freezing and reviving. I knew I was alive.

Triathalon in Pleasanton. Abe's first. He was waiting for me at the finish line. Smiles. Satsang together.

Backpacking in Santa Cruz Mountains. No tent; forgot flashlight. Thank God for cell phone flash camera. Encountered mountain lion and bear. Abe's wallet stolen by wild animal. Footprints left on my journal.

Birthday weekend. His, here. Engaged by the end. No surprises, though.

East Coast Trip. I finish my first competitve triathalon--in spite of flooding and downpours during bike ride--with a smile on my face. He meets my family. Wedding planning begins. Cave trips, hiking. Drive to Virginia. The trees are beautiful. I see my new home. New family. Retreat preparations. Meditation dates, and cooking dinner with vegetables from the garden.

We feel love. More everyday.

So many more adventures to come....

Chatty Misty...

Finish line! Tri for Sight, Lexington, Ky, Sept 2006.

Surveying the Flood

Muy Interesante

From CBS News, January 2006:

(AP) Roman Catholic priests in a Colombian town are furious over a councilman's proposal that people 14 and older must carry a condom at all times to reduce unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.William Pena, a councilman in Tulua, said Wednesday he will present a formal proposal requiring all men and women _ even those just on a visit to the town _ to carry at least one condom. Those caught empty-pocketed could be fined $180 or ordered to take a safe sex course, he said."Sexual relations are going on constantly," Pena told The Associated Press in an interview. "If you carry a condom, chances are you'll use it during the day. It's not going to be there forever."Tulua has one of the highest rates of HIV infection in Colombia, he said. The proposal will be debated by other town leaders and could go into effect by March.Roman Catholic priests in the Cauca Valley town, 150 miles southwest of Bogota, were fuming over the plan.The Rev. Jesus Velasquez said it would only encourage sexual relations and ridiculed it as absurd. "I would have to have a condom even though I'm a member of the clergy," he was quoted as saying in the newspaper El Tiempo.Another town priest, the Rev. Roberto Sarmiento, said improved sex education would be a better solution."Nobody can force someone to carry a condom in their pocket," he said. "They should instead carry the responsibility of what sexual relations mean."Ramiro Cano, a 19-year-old laborer in Tulua, said Wednesday the proposal was the talk of the town and most young people he talked to support it."I try to always carry a condom on me, especially if I go to a discotheque, in case I can pick someone up," Cano said.The proposal is perhaps the most radical in a series of pro-condom efforts across Colombia, where 190,000 people are infected with the HIV virus, a figure only surpassed in Latin America by Brazil, according to the World Health Organization.The capital city of Bogota handed out more than 2 million free condoms last year as part of a campaign titled "Use it instinctively _ make yourself sexy."In the city of Tunja, where 17 percent of all pregnancies last year were to women under 18 years of age, condom dispensers will be installed in bars and movie theaters starting in February.MMV The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Random picture

One of my favorite days from this summer. Beach party with the teens I work with for Mayana's going away celebration. I miss her.

Wedding magazines, at first glance, are hokey, icky, and mostly not helpful when one is planning a small, intimate, non-traditional family wedding. After looking at some of the weddings featured in there, I can understand why the average American wedding costs a whopping $20,000. Geez.

But, to tell you the truth (and I hate to admit it), I have gotten some pretty nifty ideas from looking in there. Some about what I like, and others about what I absolutely don't want.

Luckily, with the date less than 2 months away, there's little time to obsess about details.

Thoughts

The more serious it gets, the more I have to choose...and the less I can depend on others' opinions. I have to be true to myself.

Start a Revolution

After years of being registered as an independent voter, I have finally found my political party home. Now I just have to move to Canada to join.

www.worklessparty.org

Maria Shriver

Maria Shriver visits the Farmer's Market in downtown Watsonville. Her visit was interrupted by a protest from the Brown Berets, who were protesting her husband's (Gov. Schwarzenegger's) politics. I support the Brown Berets, but she was here in support of better access to fresh fruits and vegetables for food stamp recipients. Maybe this wasn't the time or place for protest...

Remembering Belize...

I was hit by a car in Belize.
On some days, now, almost two months later, I forget about that. More and more days, actually. I'm lucky that I am injured so little that I can forget.
But occasionally, I remember. Like now...sitting for too long in one position, and my back has a funny ache that moves back and forth across my spine, and refuses to go away when I stretch. Or like this weekend, when my right hip just feels funny a lot.
I think there are a lot of lessons to learn when one is hit by a car. Maybe my body is trying to remind me of that. I'm sure I haven't learned them all.

Family

Finding common ground at family reunions
by David Batstone (from www.sojo.net)
Over the summer months many extended families gather for camping trips, beach holidays, or similar get-aways. The reunion can be a time for bonding and renewal of connection. It also can turn into an emotional train wreck.
SojoMail readers tend to be passionate about religion and politics. Funny enough, those are the very topics that can generate adversarial divisions at family gatherings. So for the sake of future family harmony and enjoyable vacations, I throw out a few reflections on reunion behavior.
I am writing fresh from my own extended family reunion - 19 members of my clan gathered on the North Shore of Lake Superior in Minnesota. It went much better than a family reunion at this very spot 25 years ago. We have all grown a lot.
Back then, I had just returned from two years overseas - one year working with homeless kids in Melbourne, Australia, and the other in theological seminary. Those experiences had carried me to new places in my understanding of faith and public action.
The "new" me did not line up well with the family traditions. My letters home to various family members while I was overseas suggested how much I was changing. But the reunion turned out to be the first time that we could be together to appreciate the divergence. I take at least 75% of the blame. I was young - still in my early 20s - and in the midst of establishing my own identity. So I was not looking to build bridges as earnestly as I was tossing missiles. I honed in on those areas where I had moved away from family’s beliefs. The reunion turned into an intellectually-alive event, but it was not without its pain and turmoil. As the years have passed, my family has learned to graciously accept the breadth of religious faith and political practice that we bring to a reunion. Mind you, we have not grown more homogenous; quite the contrary. But we now enjoy being together. That's due in large part to our revised expectations of what a family must be. To start, we no longer aim to argue each other into our own likeness. At the fated reunion 25 years ago, the family wanted to draw the drifting son back into the fold. I was not just wrong; I was at risk of losing my bearing. Resisting the effort, I aimed at "enlightening" them to my conclusions. Today we spend more time talking about areas of common ground. How we got into the war in Iraq is not one of those topics. So we acknowledge the disagreement and move on. The abolition of human slavery in the 21st century draws 100% support in the family, so much discussion about causes and strategies for social change takes place.
It also helps to deliberate on activities more than beliefs. For instance, describing your experiences at the refugee relief center at your church does not raise swords like a diatribe on immigrant rights. Sharing your experiences, or experiences of people who have touched your life, invites open conversation. It could very well be that a family member might try to dispute your experience with a political argument. At that stage, I find it helpful to say, "Well, that is not what my experience is teaching me."
The same goes for religious diversity. To use an example: Do not get sucked into arguments about whether Christians should do yoga. If yoga is your thing, share how your practice brings physical and spiritual benefits to your life. By and large, it is hard to dismiss a personal witness. Even if a family member does that, be secure in the fact that it is your experience.
Shifting gears, family gatherings also can turn nasty when individual members feel like they have no say in the agenda for group activities. The conflict could have as much to do with long-standing power dynamics as it does present day frustration. Instead of trying to convince everyone to, say, go fishing in the lake for the afternoon, it is far better to allow for clusters of group interests. Common meals and events have their purpose, but so does a flexible agenda for a range of interests.
Perhaps I should dive a bit deeper here. All families create relationship patterns, some healthy and some not so healthy. Once we leave the family and make our own path in life, we find greater freedom to change destructive behaviors or move out of roles that felt imposed. When we go back for a reunion, it can be troubling to find yourself slipping back to that condition you thought you left far behind.
If that keeps happening to you - and makes your family reunions miserable - think creatively about how you can avoid old patterns. Make intentional choices how you engage with the family, and frame conversations in a way that fits you. You do not have to feel out of control.
We live a real paradox. We have a free hand to write the story of our lives. But the truth is we do not start writing on page one, chapter one. We begin writing in chapter 13.
Perhaps you hate those first 12 chapters, and try to write your story afresh as if the early chapters didn't matter. But you eventually discover that the story does not make sense. Some people spend their whole lives confused because they don't know what to do with those early chapters.
Family is, for good and bad, an inheritance. Reunions can be a time to make better sense of the larger story.

Longing

"If you want to build a ship, don´t drum up people to collect wood and don´t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea."

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Not I, but One Who is Greater

"The Merciful gave only this message, and even the wind also teaches us this: if you keep walking while remembering God, the destination comes to you by itself."

"God is both the goal, and the way we reach the goal. Love is both the goal, and the way we reach the goal."

One big happy family.

These are the Christmas sweaters that Mom bought us. No comment necessary.

Prayer

15 But what can I say?
He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this.
I will walk humbly all my years
because of this anguish of my soul.
16 Lord, by such things men live;
and my spirit finds life in them too.
You restored me to health
and let me live.
17 Surely it was for my benefit
that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins
behind your back.
18 For the grave [c] cannot praise you,
death cannot sing your praise;
those who go down to the pit
cannot hope for your faithfulness.
19 The living, the living—they praise you,
as I am doing today;
fathers tell their children about your faithfulness.
20 The LORD will save me,
and we will sing with stringed instruments
all the days of our lives
in the temple of the LORD.

Some tips?

Okay, so I need to figure out how to upload pictures into a gallery, instead of onto individual posts here, for easier access. And since I see that I've been discovered (after months of remaining anonymous!!!), maybe one of you has some advice on how to do that???

Thanks.

Change

Yes, I've changed alot. Haven't you?

A fine candidate for VP...

Obama: On Faith and Politics. Chicago Sun-Times 6-28-2006
Sen. Barack Obama this morning talks about religion and says Democrats need to better acknowledge the power of faith.
Good morning. I appreciate the opportunity to speak here at the Call to Renewal’s Building a Covenant for a New America conference, and I’d like to congratulate you all on the thoughtful presentations you’ve given so far about poverty and justice in America. I think all of us would affirm that caring for the poor finds root in all of our religious traditions – certainly that’s true for my own.
But today I’d like to talk about the connection between religion and politics and perhaps offer some thoughts about how we can sort through some of the often bitter arguments over this issue over the last several years.
I do so because, as you all know, we can affirm the importance of poverty in the Bible and discuss the religious call to environmental stewardship all we want, but it won’t have an impact if we don’t tackle head-on the mutual suspicion that sometimes exists between religious America and secular America.
For me, this need was illustrated during my 2004 face for the U.S. Senate. My opponent, Alan Keyes, was well-versed in the Jerry Falwell-Pat Robertson style of rhetoric that often labels progressives as both immoral and godless.
Indeed, towards the end of the campaign, Mr. Keyes said that, “Jesus Christ would not vote for Barack Obama. Christ would not vote for Barack Obama because Barack Obama has behaved in a way that it is inconceivable for Christ to have behaved.”
Now, I was urged by some of my liberal supporters not to take this statement seriously. To them, Mr. Keyes was an extremist, his arguments not worth entertaining.
What they didn’t understand, however, was that I had to take him seriously...

Read the rest at http://www.sojo.net/index.cfm?action=news.display_article&mode=S&NewsID=5451

Psalm 119

Bits and pieces of a favorite psalm.

How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word...
10 I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands...
1 I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you...
I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word...
26 I recounted my ways and you answered me; teach me your decrees.
27 Let me understand the teaching of your precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders.
28 My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free. Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

106 I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws.
107 I have suffered much; preserve my life, O LORD, according to your word.
108 Accept, O LORD, the willing praise of my mouth, and teach me your laws.
109 Though I constantly take my life in my hands, I will not forget your law.
110 The wicked have set a snare for me, but I have not strayed from your precepts.
111 Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart.
112 My heart is set on keeping your decrees to the very end. You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word. I call with all my heart; answer me, O LORD, and I will obey your decrees...

46 I call out to you; save me and I will keep your statutes.
147 I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your word.
148 My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises.
149 Hear my voice in accordance with your love; preserve my life, O LORD, according to your laws.

The Light Bulb

This one always makes me think of Chuck, Office Miracle Worker at John XXIII. Boy, how we disagreed politically, and boy, was he ever opinionated. But we both agreed that this list is hilarious. He died last spring. I know many people miss him. For the record, he was a Christian Scientist.


How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but for the message of light to continue, send in your donations today.

How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one because anymore would be a compromise, and ecumenical standards of light would slip.

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists.

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Change???

How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? Only one since his or her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None. They always use candles.

How many camp youth leaders does it take to change a light bulb? One, but soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb? Ten: one to actually change the bulb and nine to say how much they really liked the old one.

How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor or against the need for a light bulb, however if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that's fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long lived, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths.

Letter from Kirpal Singh

Dear Ones,
May the grace of God be on you all.
We are seekers after Truth and for that purpose we have joined various religions, which are our schools of thought. Truth is not the exclusive right of any particular creed, or place, or age. It is a man's birthright. Just as every man has the right to breathe the air, and absorb the rays of the sun, we are all privileged to draw from the Unseen Source of Life, Strength, and Wisdom, which is within each of us. That infinite supply cannot be exhausted. Anyone belonging to any religion can delve it out from within with the help of somebody who is competent - call him by any name you like. Take all that you can. Not only will it suffice for you, but through it you will become instrumental in helping your fellows. Your smile will inspire another to smile. Your strength will impel another to be strong. A noble soul always draws forth the noble quality in others.
God is love, and our souls are also love and it is through love alone that we can know God. Love knows true renunciation, service, and sacrifice for the good of others without any consideration. A true man is one who is truthful, leads a life of continence, radiates love to all others for the sake of God residing in them, and knows "giving," "giving," and always "giving." We never lose anything when we give. When you give love, do you find that you have less love in your heart? On the contrary, you are conscious of an ever greater power of loving, but no one can be convinced of these things till he has applied them in a practical way. An ounce of practice is worth tons of theories.
It is a practical age - therefore, it is for us to make our idealism more practical. Believe in God, Who is Spirit; Love - the principle of all things; Who is in me and I am in Him; Who resides in every heart. We should therefore love all mankind and others. If one cannot love those whom he sees, how can he love God whom he does not see? There is a Religion above all religions which teach rituals, dogmas, and doctrines. That is Truth. Religion truly means "re" - back, and "ligio" which comes from "ligore" - to bind; i.e., to bind our soul back to Truth - God. You have to be born into the Truth. All Masters who come from time to time speak of the same Truth. We are lovers of Truth. That is the True Religion, on the basis of which the whole world can sit together and the East and West could be united.

Rest

This relationship has the potential to give us both rest.

Belize Pictures

checkout http://belizetripwow.blogspot.com/

Honesty

Okay, here we go. Two things. I can't believe how engrained going to a physical place is for me in relationships. It is automatic...especially when I'm uncomfortable and don't want to talk, or don't want to face my feelings (usually the feeling that I'm not as into the relationship as X person), or just when I feel like I need a boost of confidence. It is how I keep a power relationship with men, even though that is not what I want in a relationship. I CRAVE equality, mutual vulnerability, deep love. I ENACT games, power, and feelings of comfort and perceived safety. It makes me really, really sad. I don't want to move from the uncomfortable places, or have a power/control dynamic. I want to sit with all of it, and know that I can make it as a whole person, mind-body-spirit intact.

THAT's the piece that always makes me feel like relationships drain my spiritual life. It's my lack of honesty with myself. I can't believe how often I KNOW a relationship isn't what I want, but I allow my mind to squirm its way out of having to deal with that. I tell myself it will be okay for a little while, or it's just that I'm afraid of committment, or I just need to give it some time.....when deep down I KNOW. That allowing myself off the hook, that self-deception and denial is what keeps me from being able to feel grace in my life, to feel connected to Spirit, even to just sit and meditate.

Honest relationships begin with me. I've been so dishonest, and I'm just starting to face it. It has caused a lot of people pain, including myself. I realize the first step to keeping a relationship with a spiritual life as the focus is immediate honesty.

I don't want a relationship where language about games, or who is in control, or who has whom even fits. There is something so far beyond that. THAT is what I am reaching for.

"There is more love somewhere.

There is more love somewhere.

I'm gonna keep on til I find it...

There is more love somewhere."

Dreams in Belize

I am sitting in the business center of a hotel in Belize City, my last night here. What a whirlwind week it has been. The hotel is a welcome relief from the heat and mosquitoes; the trip is a welcome relief from too much work; and this friendship that is blossoming in my heart is simply welcome.

I know now the hurt and pain--I have both caused it and felt it. But I know that it can be worth it all. I have no apologies anymore after this trip. Love is rare. I am not sorry or guilty; the time is not wrong or off. I already have so much more than I ever dreamed possible. To have it, whenver it comes, is enough.

Soul

Morning mist on the farm.

Stopping by myself, in my Self.

Peace that passes all understanding
Sweet, glorious peacefulness
I understand you, God, in this moment of peacefulness.
Or at least a part, a small part, a small star orbiting you,
I feel it, you surround me softly, and I understand.
Receive, don’t receive…you are there regardless.

Green & Indigo

Chakra:
6th
Color:
Indigo
Element:
non
Starsign:
Sagittarius, fish
Bodyarea:
Between the eyebrows, third eye(On the Chakraman/woman you see where the indigo area is)
Subject:
Intuition, Channeling, clairvoyance, secret
Symbolic:
Night sky, third eye,mystical, magic
Stones:
Lapislazuli, Sapphire, Sodalith (sorry I just know the german expression)
Aromaoil:
Jasmin, lavender, mint



The meaning of indigo on the mental, emotional, spirituallevel
Physical level:
eases headache, toothache, earache
Mentalities:
Channeling, clairvoyance
Emtionallevel:
peaceful, being alone (positive), harmony,
Spirituallevel:
Deep wisdom, mysticism, Channel, meditation


Chakra:
4th
Color:
Green
Element:
Air
Starsign:
Libra
Bodyarea:
Heartarea(On the Chakraman/woman you see where the green area is)
Subject:
Space, harmony, balance, the heart, love for nature
Symbolic:
Nature, spring, faithfulness, hope
Stones:
Emerald, Jade, Rosenquarz (sorry I just know the german expression)
Aromaoil:
Roseoil



The meaning of green on the mental, emotional, spiritual level
Physical level:
Breath, lungs, heart,
Mentallevel:
faithfulness, acceptance, hope, harmony, balance, generosity
Emotionallevel:
Stillness, harmony, openness, freedom, generosity, satisfied, things of the heart
Spiritualize:
healing of the heart, one with nature, opening of the heart, spirituel new beginning

Kentucky

I forgot what it is like to feel completely relaxed...to walk barefoot in a field of soft, warm grass...to walk around in shorts and tank top with belly hanging out all day and night, and never feel cold or self-concious...when I am here, in Kentucky, where I grew up, I get occasional glimpses of a time when I didn't have body consciousness, or consciousness of time or space or negative emotions or things...it wasn't always perfect, but now, it seems, through these lenses, a kind of limitless lightness. It is easy to smile, easy to laugh, easy to run around. I remember who I was, and find out who I am becoming. What a great circle.

The same boat, the bird's call, call of wild. The dream, my dad, his health. FADE. The dream still haunts me. A prophecy. How many times will it come true?

Dear Misty.........

Old Habits

Many days of attendance at Satsang have passed;
Now give up your old habits.

For how long will you try to deceive your Guru?
Now recognize what He is.

If we ourselves would change, the whole world would change with us. It is a message for all.

You get hold of an idea and place it above all else, considering everyone else to be wrong - even if your Guru tells you something different. How long will you keep this up?

---from Teachings of Kirpal

Where to Look

Poem by Kabir
Are you looking for me? I am in the next seat.
My shoulder is against yours.
you will not find me in the stupas, not in Indian shrine
rooms, nor in synagogues, nor in cathedrals:
not in masses, nor kirtans, not in legs winding
around your own neck, nor in eating nothing but
vegetables.
When you really look for me, you will see me
instantly —
you will find me in the tiniest house of time.
Kabir says: Student, tell me, what is God?
He is the breath inside the breath. [8]

What's Right. (even in a relative world).

I have a long, moralistic, very preachy tirade forming in my head about all this. It is forthcoming in a subsequent blog. Until then, why I love Hillary Clinton:

From Planned Parenthood's Website:

On Tuesday the U.S. Supreme Court announced that it would consider the constitutionality of the federal abortion ban. The ban would outlaw abortion methods used as early as 12 to 15 weeks in pregnancy that doctors say are safe and the best way to protect the woman's health. Passed by Congress and signed by President Bush in 2003, the federal abortion ban has been struck down by every court that has examined it because it lacks constitutionally required protections for women's health.
On Wednesday the South Dakota Senate passed a ban that would outlaw nearly all abortions in that state. The ban would strip women of their constitutional right to determine if and when to bear children. It is a total ban affecting virtually all women seeking an abortion, with the sole exception of cases in which the woman will die if forced to continue the pregnancy. These attacks on women's health and safety were hardly isolated coincidences. Throughout the country, that chill wind has women seeking reproductive health care services in its icy grip. Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, Missouri, Ohio, Oklahoma, South Dakota, Tennessee, and West Virginia are debating legislation that bans abortion or would ban abortion if Roe v. Wade is overturned.And the attacks are not limited to abortion. Across the country, states are chipping away at access to contraception and medically accurate sex education — the two vital means to guarantee a reduction in the number of unintended pregnancies. Missouri is considering a bill that would allow health care institutions and providers to refuse any health care service, including contraception. Pharmacies that refuse to fill valid and legal prescriptions for contraceptives — often supported by state legislators — are a growing phenomenon. Many states now teach unproven, ineffective abstinence-only sex education — a mandate of the Bush administration — that includes misleading or no information about protection once a person does choose to become sexually active.
Outlawing abortion will not end abortion, but it will put women at risk. If politicians opposed to abortion truly wanted to reduce the need for abortion, they would work with organizations like Planned Parenthood to prevent unintended pregnancy by supporting increased access to contraception and medically accurate sex education.
The majority of Americans support a woman's fundamental right to make personal and private health care decisions, including the sometimes difficult decision to terminate a pregnancy. It's politicians catering to an extreme and highly organized fringe who are creating the hostile climate. They are a reminder to us all that representatives who will support women's health and safety are critical to our ability to freely live our lives. --0--

From Hillary Herself:

We come to [the abortion] issue as men and women, young and old, some far beyond years when we have to worry about getting pregnant, others too young to remember what it was like in the days before Roe v. Wade. But I think it’s essential that as Americans we look for that common ground that we can all stand upon. [Our] core beliefs and values. can guide us in reaching our goal of keeping abortion safe, legal and rare into the next century.
Source: Remarks to NARAL, Washington DC Jan 22, 1999

Fewer teens are having sex, getting pregnant, and having abortions, but there are clearly too many young people who have not gotten the message. Every teenager must be reached. More has to be done to reach out to young men, and enlist them in the campaign to make abortions rare, and to make it possible for them to define their lives in terms other than what they imagine sexual prowess and fatherhood being.
Source: Remarks at NARAL, Washington, D.C. Jan 22, 1999


On Hillary's Genius:

Two days ago, marking the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, Hillary Clinton gave a speech outlining her views on abortion, contraception, and abstinence. "Clinton Seeking Shared Ground Over Abortions," said the front page of the New York Times. "Hillary in the middle on values issues," agreed the Washington Times. But Clinton isn't trying to end the abortion war. She's repositioning her party to win it...This is the other side of Clinton's message: against the ugliness of state control, she wants to raise the banner of morality as well as freedom. Pro-choicers have tried this for 40 years, but they always run into a fatal objection: Abortion is so ugly that nobody who supports it can look moral. To earn real credibility, they'd have to admit it's bad. They often walk up to that line, but they always blink. Not this time. Abortion is "a sad, even tragic choice to many, many women," said Clinton. Then she went further: "There is no reason why government cannot do more to educate and inform and provide assistance so that the choice guaranteed under our constitution either does not ever have to be exercised or only in very rare circumstances."
Does not ever have to be exercised. I searched Google and Nexis for parts of that sentence tonight and got no hits. Is the press corps asleep? Hillary Clinton just endorsed a goal I've never heard a pro-choice leader endorse. Not safe, legal, and rare. Safe, legal, and never.
Once you embrace that truth—that the ideal number of abortions is zero—voters open their ears. They listen when you point out, as Clinton did, that the abortion rate fell drastically during her husband's presidency but has risen in more states than it has fallen under George W. Bush. I'm sure these trends have more to do with economics than morals, but that's the point. Once we agree that the goal is zero, we can stop asking which party yaps more about fighting abortion and start asking which party gets results.
Admit the goal is zero, and people will rethink birth control. "Seven percent of American women who do not use contraception account for 53 percent of all unintended pregnancies," Clinton said. That number drew gasps from her pro-choice audience. I bet if she translated it to abortions, it would knock folks in Ohio out of their chairs. How many abortions are you willing to endure for the sake of avoiding the word "condom"? Clinton says we can cut the abortion rate through sex education, money for family planning, and requiring health insurers to cover contraceptives. What's your plan? Ban abortion and monitor everyone's womb like Romania did? Or ban it and look the other way while the pregnancies go on and the quacks take over?
Critics of birth control say the surest way to avoid unintended pregnancy is to avoid sex. They're right. I've heard a few liberals complain that this message is too preachy and encroaches on the sexuality of teenagers. With all due respect, it's time for Democrats to throw these people overboard. Many profound things are at stake in the abortion debate. Afternoon delight isn't high on the list.
Clinton seems to understand this. In her speech, she recalled campaigning for "teenage celibacy" a decade ago. She emphasized "the important role that parents can play in encouraging their children to abstain from sexual activity. … Research shows that the primary reason that teenage girls abstain is because of their religious and moral values. We should embrace this—and support programs that reinforce the idea that abstinence at a young age is not just the smart thing to do, it is the right thing to do."
Abstain. Parents. Religious and moral values. The right thing. This is the way to shake up the Democratic position on abortion—not with tiny defensive concessions but with a big offensive to promote responsibility and bring down the abortion rate. Bush has used a similar strategy to commandeer the education issue. According to polls, it has worked.
A message of responsibility allows Democrats to turn the moral tables on the GOP. "I for one respect those who believe with all their hearts and conscience that there are no circumstances under which any abortion should ever be available," Clinton declared. Many reporters touted that line as an olive branch. They overlooked her next sentence: "But that does not represent even the majority opinion within the anti-abortion community. There are exceptions for rape and for incest, for the life of the mother." In other words, Clinton has read the polls. She knows that most people who oppose abortion think it should be allowed for rape victims, because these victims didn't choose to have sex. From a crude standpoint of sexual responsibility, they're innocent.
Clinton spent much of her speech excoriating the administration on this question. She blasted the Food and Drug Administration for dragging its feet on approving Plan B, a morning-after pill. Then she demanded that the Justice Department add discussion of such pills to its treatment protocol for rape survivors who "may have had an unwanted pregnancy physically forced upon them." Aiming at cultural conservatives as well as liberals, she asked, "How is it possible that women who have been so victimized by violence can be victimized again by ideology?"
Above all, a message of responsibility breaks down the distinction between motherhood and contraception—the widespread attitude that there are two kinds of women: those who have babies and those who have birth control pills or, failing that, abortions. In reality, said Clinton, they are the same woman. "An average woman who wants two children will spend five years pregnant or trying to get pregnant and roughly 30 years trying to prevent pregnancy," she observed. You don't have to be against motherhood to line up behind birth control as the best anti-abortion strategy. You just have to be for it.
William Saletan is Slate's national correspondent and author of Bearing Right: How Conservatives Won the Abortion War.

What is Love?

God is love and love is God. As God cannot be confined, restricted or limited to any particularcreed, cult, race, similarly Religion of love cannotbe restricted or confined in geographical limitsand boundaries. Sri Guru Nanak Sahib's Religionof Love is cosmic and universal in its appeal,holy folds and dimensions.It is a Religion of perfect and universal Lovetotally free from man-made barriers of colour, caste, creed and status. It is a Religion which radiates with a deep thirst for the Divine andwith the highest gospel of purity of heart,mind, body, speech and deeds.It is a Religion which establishes brotherhood ofthe whole global community irrespective of colour, caste, creed, race and nationality purely on the basis and foundation of love and equality,all being the children of the same lovable God.

(from Sri Guru Garanth Sahib)

Everyday Lent

Pictures at right from protest in Downtown Watsonville yesterday.

Text from an Editorial in the NYTimes:

The Gospel Vs. HR4437
It has been a long time since this country heard a call to organized lawbreaking on this big a scale. Cardinal Roger Mahony of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles, the nation's largest, urged parishioners on Ash Wednesday to devote the 40 days of Lent to fasting, prayer and reflection on the need for humane reform of immigration laws. If current efforts in Congress make it a felony to shield or offer support to illegal immigrants, Cardinal Mahony said, he will instruct his priests — and faithful lay Catholics — to defy the law....
The cardinal's focus of concern is H.R. 4437...would expand the definition of "alien smuggling" in a way that could theoretically include working in a soup kitchen, driving a friend to a bus stop or caring for a neighbor's baby. Cardinal Mahony's defiance adds a moral dimension to what has largely been a debate about politics and economics. "As his disciples, we are called to attend to the last, littlest, lowest and least in society and in the church," he said.
Cardinal Mahony's declaration of solidarity with illegal immigrants, for whom Lent is every day, is a startling call to civil disobedience, as courageous as it is timely. We hope it forestalls the day when works of mercy become a federal crime.

The Boss is Coming Back

I am so exhausted. So tired. So frustrated. My boss called to complain about a report I've written...not about what I've written, but about the quotes I reported on from people in the focus groups. I can't change their quotes! What they said is what they said!

I feel unappreciated at my job. A little faith and a 'thank you' from bosses goes a long way. I constantly get the feeling that my boss feels she is "settling" for the staff she has, that she feels a large amount of anxiety about doing more, bigger, better, and that she has a thread of disappointment running through her all the time.

And I take all of it very personally. This is my problem. I know where it's coming from with her--she is defensive about her role in a large, international agency, and about the fact that this agency has become less about social marketing in recent years and more about local programming for teens. I'd be happy to make the transition, but it would be a learning curve for me and I'd need some leadership in that direction. And some slack on the 50 hour weeks. Or at least some acknowledgement of the effort.

Of course, I am blogging while at work.

Consider it a mental health minute.

Argh.

A Glass, Darkly

9ek merouV gar ginwskomen kai ek merouV profhteuomen: 10otan de elqh to teleion, to ek merouV katarghqhsetai. 11ote hmhn nhpioV, elaloun wV nhpioV, efronoun wV nhpioV, elogizomhn wV nhpioV: ote gegona anhr, kathrghka ta tou nhpiou. 12blepomen gar arti di esoptrou en ainigmati, tote de proswpon proV proswpon: arti ginwskw ek merouV, tote de epignwsomai kaqwV kai epegnwsqhn. 13nuni de menei pistiV, elpiV, agaph, ta tria tauta: meizwn de toutwn h agaph.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.


9For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

Sex and Love

"There's a difference between sexual desire and love. Sexual desire is a strong physical excitement. Love is a powerful caring for someone else.Love can exist without sexual desire, and vice versa. Many people are happiest when both love and sexual desire are shared by both partners."

From Planned Parenthood's website.

Hmmm. Yes, I agree that love can exist without sexual desire. Am I happiest when both are shared by both? Maybe I'm happiest at that point in relationships when sexual desire is overshadowed by love and spiritual committment. Not that it isn't still there, but that it is only a small part of a very deep well.

Hmmm.

I'm hyper-aware of all the people around me right now who place a considerable amount of emphasis on physical attraction to a person. I asked the guy I'm seeing if he had a type--a common something that runs through all the people he dates. He responded with physical characteristics. Most people do, when I ask that. There's nothing wrong with that at all, but I do find it curious. It just wouldn't be my first response at all.

Last night, my second mom and I went to a music show to see a guy in whom she's interested play. Later, she was describing a guy who's interested in her. One of the primary reasons she's not interested back is because he has too much gray hair.

My housemate doesn't want to date a guy who seems really right for her (at least right now) because he is shorter than she is.

It isn't that I don't appreciate physical attractiveness. And I'm blessed with dating a person right now to whom I am very physically attracted. But I've also dated people (in fact, at least 1/2 of my relationships) who aren't necessarily physically attractive to me, but they are attractive people. And I'm saying that not to sound self-righteous, or to pat myself on the back for being so PC. I'm saying that as something that feels mostly natural and normal for me.

Curious.

On Liking

Relationships are funny. It is an interesting play of power, and I am so good at the game. So good at attracting people I can own, so I can win. And then, we both lose.

I love the beginning. I love making the first move. It sets up that dynamic right from the start. Only I can never make a first move with anyone I already like. Too vulnerable.

Real relationships are built on vulnerability. They require us to go out on little limbs all the time...show our cards, reveal something of who we really are. And then, that practice of being vulnerable and having someone accept us just that way deepens the canyon of love, like a river flowing slowly and silently through it.

I have to work hard at this one.

Beautiful

One of five neices I'm blessed with. This picture was taken 3 years ago on a spring day in my parents' backyard.

Tools

Crocheting again.
Long strands of words
Stringing shadows from corners
Bringing light.

I don’t have any ax to grind
So I crochet.

AlamedaBoy

4
One long laughing line
Whose word? Whose Thought?
Mixed company

Days of words
Years of silence
4 minutes
Home

Signs of Stress

Okay, am I really more stressed out than I seem?
Than I know I am?

Signs of it:
--Clinging/ness, neediness for a guy (this is also related to the fact that my boyfriend and I broke up last weekend. Ya think?)--Frustration at home, needing the house to be cleaner and cleaner.
--Wanting to zone out in front of the TV instead of going out.
--Wanting to go out and buy things/spend money.
--Not wanting to talk to anyone who calls on the phone.
--Not wanting to actually meditate.

Remember, you will be tested!

Geez, are there more? I’m sure there are, but I don’t event know them.
Gotta go check out match.com now (see #1).

PurpleRain

used to be my favorite song as a kid. Yeah, the one by Prince.
I just found out today that purple is a new gang color here. How weird. And how sad that teens here grow up in a world where gangs are a real part of everyday life. Every day I hope they know that this is only one very small part of a very big world. Violence, dissension, and enemies have always existed, AND so have love, peace, and true friendship.

I have the monopoly on God's Will.....

Found on www.sojo.net (a favorite website of mine): "Last week, televangelist Pat Robertson offended Jews and fellow conservatives with speculations that God was punishing Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon with a stroke for withdrawing Israeli settlers from Gaza. Now, New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin has apologized following Martin Luther King Jr. Day remarks that "God is mad at America. He sent us hurricane after hurricane after hurricane, and it's destroyed and put stress on this country."
God is displeased with our government as well as with divisions in the African-American community, asserted Nagin, who said that God "doesn't approve of us being in Iraq under false pretenses. But surely [God] is upset at black America also. We're not taking care of ourselves."
In response to predictions that New Orleans' black population - once 67% - will not be able to return, Nagin generated further contoversy by saying, "It's time for us to rebuild New Orleans - the one that should be a chocolate New Orleans.... This city will be a majority African-American city. It's the way God wants it to be." He later attempted to diffuse those comments by telling a CNN affiliate, "How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about."

I'll comment later, but really, does that even NEED a comment? sheesh.

Confessions

I realize now that hating technology (see yesterda) is soooooo year 2000. Forgive me for my sins. I've seen the light.

I have a blog...

but i'm not telling anyone I know.

Ironies:

• Last year at this time I was in seminary studying to be a minister. A typical day: reading old white theologians and criticizing them for being old and white; reading new theology by anyone more politically correct and postmodern and worshipping them together with my classmates. This year I am work in the sex ed field. A typical day: showing teens how to put condoms on penis models and explaining what a dental dam is. "Please don't open and lick the flavored condoms just to see what they taste like!

• I hate technology; our IT consultant at work told my boss to get me a typewriter or be prepared to go out of business spending all her $ on my computer snaffoos. I have kept journals religiously since I was 15 (I'm almost 27...3 weeks!) and shunned those who spend any free time at all in front of anything with a glowing screen. I now have a blog.

• I am becoming either less ironic or less creative, because that's all i can think of right now. guilt has set in for staring at a computer screen. and reruns of law and order beckon. ha ha.

I have a blog...but please don't tell anyone I know, in case I want to bitch about them here.