Honesty

Okay, here we go. Two things. I can't believe how engrained going to a physical place is for me in relationships. It is automatic...especially when I'm uncomfortable and don't want to talk, or don't want to face my feelings (usually the feeling that I'm not as into the relationship as X person), or just when I feel like I need a boost of confidence. It is how I keep a power relationship with men, even though that is not what I want in a relationship. I CRAVE equality, mutual vulnerability, deep love. I ENACT games, power, and feelings of comfort and perceived safety. It makes me really, really sad. I don't want to move from the uncomfortable places, or have a power/control dynamic. I want to sit with all of it, and know that I can make it as a whole person, mind-body-spirit intact.

THAT's the piece that always makes me feel like relationships drain my spiritual life. It's my lack of honesty with myself. I can't believe how often I KNOW a relationship isn't what I want, but I allow my mind to squirm its way out of having to deal with that. I tell myself it will be okay for a little while, or it's just that I'm afraid of committment, or I just need to give it some time.....when deep down I KNOW. That allowing myself off the hook, that self-deception and denial is what keeps me from being able to feel grace in my life, to feel connected to Spirit, even to just sit and meditate.

Honest relationships begin with me. I've been so dishonest, and I'm just starting to face it. It has caused a lot of people pain, including myself. I realize the first step to keeping a relationship with a spiritual life as the focus is immediate honesty.

I don't want a relationship where language about games, or who is in control, or who has whom even fits. There is something so far beyond that. THAT is what I am reaching for.

"There is more love somewhere.

There is more love somewhere.

I'm gonna keep on til I find it...

There is more love somewhere."