Open Letter to Baby

Dear Baby Ojure,

What a surprise you are! I remember very well the day we discovered you were coming into the family. I'd been having strange dreams about being pregnant, and your dad was away on business. He traveled a lot at that time. I even told him on the phone about my feelings, and he'd been having them, too! We agreed to check the situation out when he got home that weekend.

I remember EVERYTHING about that Sunday. I remember getting ready to go pick him up at SFO...our car was being shipped cross country and had not yet arrived, so the rental car I was driving was a huge monstrosity of a truck with an extended cab and a V8 engine--I towered above everyone on the freeway to SF and almost didn't clear the ceiling in the parking garage, the thing was so huge! I even remember what I was wearing---Rogue jeans, a white paisley shirt, and flip flops. Your dad and I had a really great day. We drove down Highway 1 and stopped in Half Moon Bay for burritos. I remember feeling so happy he was home. Looking back, the trip down the coast seems like it was endless and beautiful…the fog and the sun were just right on the water, the breeze felt refreshing, and we were in love. All that in a Sunday afternoon drive, and we had no idea what was in store for us in a little First Response package on the Safeway shelf. Actually, we still have no idea.

We got back to Santa Cruz and picked up a few things at the grocery store, including the cheapest home pregnancy test they had. At home, I went into the bathroom, took out the test, and the thing was positive before I could even get my jeans up and zipped. I actually stood there for a second, looking at the results, not sure what to say to Abe. Which words were right? I was trying to compose myself in some sort of way, but I couldn’t figure out which composure was right! The “proper-reaction-to-I’m-pregnant” card wasn’t catalogued in my brain.

As an aside, I have to say, it was a tricky moment. The “oh no I’m pregnant and we’re in trouble with the parents” reaction wasn’t right, although after 2 years of working in teen pregnancy prevention, I’ll admit it was the first reaction that popped into my head, despite the fact that my teen years (and very tame ones where pregnancy wasn’t a consideration) are 10 years in the past. The “hurray-we’re-pregnant-finally” reaction didn’t quite fit either; although we ARE excited and celebrating, we weren’t planning you quite yet and we were a little worried about being prepared for parenthood so soon…we didn’t even have furniture in our apartment!

I don’t actually remember what I said to your dad when I came out of the bathroom, but I DO remember his eyes were big, his mouth fell open, and he put his hand on his head and sort-of paced in a circle for a second…which, if you are old enough to read this, I’m sure you’ve seen him do hundreds of times. He likes to pace. Oh god, you probably do, too!

I do remember we both smiled. Really smiled. And then we went to the nearest drug store for a back-up test, this time the most expensive brand they had. This test actually said the word “pregnant” in the screen. No doubt. You were announcing your arrival.

That night we felt so peaceful and happy and in love. All the things I’ve always thought I’d feel about being pregnant—doubt, elation, worry, joy, fear—just didn’t happen. I felt peace. And so did your dad.

We did feel worried about telling our parents. Somewhere your dad and I must exist in a perpetual state of youth. We live our lives that way a lot—with lots of energy and adventure—and I think we felt like naughty teenagers caught in the ultimate act! We called our friends The Blairs first, because we knew they’d be excited. Ben was happy, and his mom, Lark, who will be attending your birth as our Birth Coach, said your little soul had been orbiting around us for a while. She wasn’t surprised by the news of your coming at all.

It was too late that night to call anyone on the east coast, so we told your grandparents the next day. Both sets of them were so excited. We weren’t even grounded! Ha ha. When we told your Grandma Lenna we weren’t sure if we were ready to be parents, she replied, “Well, I’m ready to be a grandparent!”

Your Nana Koger had already made your first baby blanket and sent it before you were even in utero 4 months! Meanwhile, you were letting me know you were there. I felt so great for the first few weeks, but it wasn’t long before I was sick. I mean, really sick. I threw up three or four times a day. I threw up in bathrooms at restaurants, in bathrooms at gas stations. On the side of the road. In a little clearing near the beach on the way to work. At work. In the car. At the airport. Nothing helped.

Finally, one day, I felt better. It so happened that I drank chai that morning, and so every morning thereafter, I drank chai religiously. We were even a little late to breakfast with your family the morning of your Aunt Sunya’s college graduation because I had to find a place to grab a chai! I don’t know if the chai actually helped, but I wasn’t taking any chances.

Now, it is about 3 ½ months before your scheduled arrival. We have furniture in the apartment, including some baby-specific additions. We have doctors and midwives and a labor coach. I feel great, look pregnant, and everyone is predicting a boy. I’m not sure about your sex, but I AM predicting a beautiful soul with lots of things to discover and learn about the world, and lots of things to teach. Your dad and I are excited to meet you face to face, to watch you as you grow, and to grow with you.

Waiting,
Mom